Breast Cancer and other life stuff

 I love you the most. Because I am careful who I love. You would never purposely hurt me. I love you most,  because you are worthy of love. Nothing is perfect, not me, not love. My heart fills  when I think of you.  Nothing , no one could change the way I feel. Oh, I can be mad at you, and not understand  something you have done.  But I will always love you. Till I take my last breath.  I love you most  of all.

 Feeling useless. I haven't felt like this in a while. I feel old and rusty. I have no idea how to advise my grown children when I feel like they need some. I do not always want to say what I think because it's not always going to show that I feel empathy for their issues. So many times, when I open my mouth to say something I don't because, I do not want to either be taken the wrong way or outright disagree with them. When I don't say something sometimes its because I want to think of what and how I want to say something.  Then I get asked WHY DONT YOU SAY SOMETHING? And that's an awful feeling because I feel like I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO SAY! Today I'm having a real shitty day. I feel sad. I do not want to do shit with or for anyone. I feel a little taken for granted sometimes , but not so much today. I just want my kids to be ok and when they are not I feel awful if I cant help. I'm a shit problem solver. I especially hate it when I try to help , an

 Well, Happy New Year. What ever the fuck that means. I am having a bad day already and it's just started. I'm tired of being the one that looks the other way , the one seeing some good in people that isn't really there.  I am a fool to care about anyone who does not care about me.I do not like being quiet about how I feel anymore. I started thinking about making a resolution this year. I usually think of something and forget it pretty quickly. This year I thought I really wanted to be kinder. But it may be too hard. when there are so many entitled ,hate filled people. I want to pass on kindness, but sometimes it seems impossible to show kindness to ignorant , mean people. I want to show my granddaughter a grandma worth remembering.  I mean what's the point of having lived if the world would have been better without you. I want her to see me act kind to people who don't seem on the surface at least  to deserve kindness. I want her to know we do not know what others

 Sometimes we can feel alone even in a large city with thousands of people around. It is a different then feeling alone when you are by yourself at home.It feels more isolated. When I can see dozens of faces some paired off ,some also by themselves , I feel alone. Sometimes I see a smile towards me or even a nod. I think I will never see any of these unknown people again. Across the dinner table is someone I have known for a long time. Conversation is broken by the checking for text on their phone . I feel alone. I know, poor pitiful me , why don't I make an effort ? Go and find a friend who will engage in conversation,talk about their travels , the books we've both read. I really don't care.  When I am alone at home , the others are off doing their thing , I feel at home. I can tolerate the quiet. I can enjoy my own company, my thoughts. I am not alone though. I am with my dog. I do not feel alone. I feel calm. I do not feel sad. I do not feel lonely. So there to me anyway

 Some days I feel sad, and just do not want to be around anyone. The feeling does not usually last very long. I do not suffer from depression. I have some down moments partly due to medication I take , an sometimes due to being so damn tired! I have days where I only have gotten a couple of hours sleep the night before and it wears me down. Some days I feel angry at nothing and everything at the same times. Most days I am enjoying time with my daughter and granddaughter. Just being in the same room with my granddaughter Laity brightens my day.  It's so hard for me to wrap around my head that this beautiful girl is 7 years old. How the hell did time pass so fast. I love that she lives here for now at least. I sometimes feel selfish for feeling that  way . I know my daughter would love to be in her own place.  I know that none of us knows how much time we have left on this Earth ,but having had cancer is a huge reality check about how short life is. It's kind of funny now that I

Summer . 2021. Almost over the pandemic? Birthday party time!! Day after tomorrow is my sweet granddaughter's 7th birthday. Everyone thinks they have the best grandkid. I honestly do not know how we got the beautiful, smart , funny as hell one that we got. I don't know how we warp speeded through the last seven years , but I sure as hell don't know how she is going to be SEVEN.  She and I have been through our own health battles .I remember how fragile she was when she was born. But she is a fighter . She is strong , you would not know now that she had a tough beginning.  She is bright , she made it through this school year  , and almost half of last year , doing school remotely. She was able to do well with her school work during this pandemic . She has computer skills much better than mine. Her over all school work was great . What impressed me was how quickly she could improve her reading skills . She seemed to have a bit of trouble in the beginning of the school year wi